Monday, March 1, 2010

I'm not fat.

I'm not fat. It has taken me 10 years to say that and mean it. Ten years!  I could always use exercise, tone up my body a bit, but I'm not fat. Even when a little over a year ago, when physically I was in the best shape I had ever been in my life, I still thought I was fat. I am not sure why now, this month, this year, this day, I can honestly say to myself, and believe it, that I am not fat.
I have struggled with weight issues since the 8th grade. I was never fat then, but I truly, whole heartedly thought I was. If I couldn't see each one of my ribs, I was fat. When I got to college, if I wasn't less than 100 pounds, I was fat. I remember hitting 99 and be so damn proud of myself. I am not sure if I was a true anorexic. I ate. Some days more than others. I called myself a 'borderline anorexic'. I'm not sure if this is an actual term meaning something completely different, but I thought since I ate, I wasn't an anorexic, therefore, just on the border of becoming one. I think the lowest I ever got was 97 pounds. Funny thing is, no one really knew, and I'm not sure if anyone really noticed either (at no fault of their own). I hid it well.

I have also suffered from depression since 8th grade as well, but that's a whole other blog all in itself, and I'm not quite ready to let all the out.
Point is, I'm not fat. I am 5'5 (and three fourths) in height and 133 lbs. If I lose some weight, great, if I gain a little, okay. I will never be a size 2 again, I have hips damnit, and that's okay too.  I'm not fat.


Black Knight said...

Better not to think if we are fat or not. Enjoy your life and ... run! I am sure you are in perfect shape and you don't need to focus on this topic.

jamaise said...

Good for you - we waste too much time not loving ourselves.

Juliana said...

You are NOT fat. Sometimes we need to write these things down and keep reading them over and over to remind ourselves that we are beautiful!